last updated Sunday June 21, 2009

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One of the things that really irritates me (when it's not depressing me outright) is checking my email to find that 35 of the 36 messages I've received are unsolicited adverts for miracle cures, a bigger penis, pornography and cheap inkjet cartridges. Spam is annoying, invasive, repetitive, often so amateurish as to be unlikely to entice anyone to buy anything, and as inevitable as a war during a US republican administration. However, I can't deny that a lot of it is hilarious, or at least has a certain charm. Here is an edited selection of some of the spam I've received in recent months - with the advertisers' names removed, of course. (Thoughtcat is tempted to invite submissions of similar items, but feels this would open the floodgates somewhat...)

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Professional Steak House Steak Knife BLOWOUT !

If you are a steak lover like me, then you know what a quality steak knife feels like!

They slice right through even the toughest of meat with ease!

(TC notes: this was first received from "Jill Steak", and has since been sent by "Cindy Laupar", among others.)

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Are you snoring yourself to death?

24.7 million Americans ave some degree of Sleep Apnea

74 million Americans snore every night (a symptom of Sleep Apnea)

38% of Americans who snore or have a pause in their breathing while sleeping suffer with daytime fatigue and are more likely to have negative mood scores

Poll results show that while many Americans enjoy the benefits of sufficient sleep, as many as 47 million adults may be putting themselves at risk for injury, health and behavior problems because they aren't meeting their minimum sleep need in order to be fully alert the next day.

People in this army of the walking tired are more likely to sit and seethe in traffic jams, quarrel with other people, or overeat, according to the findings.

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As seen on Oprah, CNN, NBC [and just about everywhere else - TC]

* Reduce the amount of sleep you need
* Cause wounds to heal faster
* Lose weight while your sleeping
* Become less winded when excersizing
* Put color back in grey hair
* Grow hair back where it had once fallen out
* Tighten skin
* Strengthen bones
* Body builders - use this to build your muscles quicker
.........The List truly goes on and on..........

(doesn't it just?)

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Kick Butt! . . . Explode your Online Business!

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Just released: 1 Million fresh Spanish speaking person's email addresses.

Just for this week, you can download these for only $39!

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This from the "Sorry, what are you advertising again?" department:

2867PLnF8-175LZYd6400thsY3-269KqIY8688l36

No Brainer-A Must for 2003 ONLY $39.99

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Hello, my name is Dr Don Johnson, President of the American Anti-Aging Society. Our well known and established organisatioin is constantly researching and developing methods and products to slw down and even reverse the effects of aging. Very recently, a product was released... New hair growth and color restored, Improved sleep and emotional stability, Increased sexual potenc/frequency, Loss in body fat, Reduced cellulite, Iincreased energy levels, improved memory and mental alertness, Controlled cholesterol, Increased muscle strength and siize, Wrinkle disappearance...

TC is sorry to note that mr johnson is now so pressed for work that he has to resort to flogging miracle cures over the internet. bring back Miami Mice!

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From the suspicious "jobs from heaven" department:

We are looking for people to survey and comment on Television

Commercials during the TV shows they are already watching. Dont

change your viewer habits. Watch the shows that you are

normally watching now. Then send your completed surveys to the

addresses in the "Get Paid for Watching TV" Survey Kit.

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Dear Mr/Mrs ,  [the lack of a surname kind of spoils the effect, n'est-ce pas?]

We were very sorry to hear that you were injured in an accident. Here at ------ we understand that having an accident can be both a stressful and worrying time. Another unfortunate factor is that people often get left out of pocket after medical expenses, missing work, travelling to medical appointments and dealing with all the other problems.

That is where we can help. If you were injured as a result of an accident that wasn't your fault, you may be entitled to compensation. ------ has already helped thousand's of people recover money that they deserve.

"I was in my car waiting at a zebra crossing, when I suddenly was jolted forward, and realised that I had been hit. For months afterwards I suffered with back pain, and great anxiety, as it was affecting my work and life as a student. I had heard of ------, but had always been a little dubious, so I phoned them to find out more. The claims advisor that took my call, brilliantly guided me through the claim procedure, as well as making me feel at ease from beginning to end. Every process of the claim was made easy and fitted into my busy schedule, and there were no hidden costs, which as a student, I would not have been able to cover. Instead of starting my new university year with pain and worry, I started with an extra £3,000 in the bank, and it was all thanks to ------." Shana - London

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Have you got a Money Tree?

Try it ??

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ADVERTISEMENT (not spam)

Thoughtcat says: You could always join Monty Python's Spam Club...

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Do you want for a prosperous future, increased money earning power, and the respect of all?

We can assist with Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited universities based on your present knowledge and life experience.

Call Today -->> [US phone number.]

No required tests, classes, books, or interviews.

Bachelors, Masters, MBA, and Doctorate (PhD) diplomas available in the field of your choice - that's right, you can become a Doctor and receive all the benefits and admiration that comes with it!

No one is turned down.

Ah! Maybe this explains how Dubya got into college!

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Especially worrying is the amount of medication readily available online, to wit:

Did you know you can get prescription medications prescribed online with
NO PRIOR PRESCRIPTION REQUIRED!
ORDER BY 2:00 EST AND GET YOUR ORDER THE NEXT DAY!!!

Weight Loss
Apidex 1 month supply for only $149!
Bontril 1 month supply for only $89!
Didrex 1 month supply for only $199!
Ionamin 1 month supply for only $159!
Meridia 1 month supply (10mg capsules) for only $189!
Phentermine 1 month supply (15mg capsules) for only $89!
Tenuate 1 month supply (75mg capsules) click here $99!
Xenical 1 month supply (120mg capsules) for only $229!

Also available: Muscle Relaxants - Sexual Health - Pain Relief - Skin Care - Women's Health - Men's Health - Quit Smoking - Anti -Depressants - Anxiety - Laxatives

Thoughtcat forwarded several of these types of emails to the British Medical Council to air this concern, but never received a reply... Maybe they thought I was trying to sell them something?

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The web is of course an oasis for a lot of lonely people - and for exploiters of same...

Hi, I'm Miranda, maybe you can help me out!

I am an isolated 25 year old lonely, but sexy housewife.

I work out regularly and am 5'7", 115 lbs, and a lucious blonde!

I really enjoy lovemaking and want it all the time. However,

My husband's business requires that he travels just about

every week. He is not home often enough to satisfy

my very high sex drive! Once or twice a month is just

NOT enough for me...I need it alot more than that!

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For the men: *Currently, there are 86,664 married women in the U.S. who are lonley and looking for some fun.

For the women: *Currently, there are 101,831 married men in the U.S. who are lonley and looking for some fun.

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Free Memberships to Santas Sluts

Come to the North Pole where all the girls are HO HO HOing around.

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The best dating site on the net.

Hi Hello,

I found a great site for adult entertainement.

You'll find free teen movies, personnal pics, hot adult match making, live people looking for dates, teenages and lonelywife at home.

You can date online sexy teenages now.

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Teeth Whitening System

Don't trust your teeth to just anyone.

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"Want a BIG Penis?"

Experience the results you've always wanted
with a MASSIVE scientific breakthrough:

Our Doctor-Approved Pill Will Actually Expand, Lengthen
And Enlarge Your Penis.
100% GUARANTEED!

How BIG Can You Get?
Realistically, you can grow up to 3 FULL INCHES IN LENGTH in only weeks.

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Thoughtcat particularly detests spam purporting to be real messages from friends or family, to wit:

Hi Jayne,

Just a quicky. Our Viagra arrived from ----.com yesterday. I

can't believe you didn't tell us about it before! It made him bigger and

harder and he was well pleased with himself. So was I, ha ha.

The place we got the DVDs from is called ----.net. they are the

cheapest but don't have a massive selection.

We still can't find that red wine you brought around. Can you email me the

web address and I'll order it direct off them. Bring some round with you

tomorrow!

We're beginning to regret changing the car because this one is giving us

lots of grief.

Lotsalove

Jenny

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However, thoughtcat loves spam with linguistic oddities in the great tradition of Lewis Carroll's Jabberwocky, Douglas Adams' Vogon poetry and Russell Hoban's Kraken conversations. This stuff seems to come through increasingly now, but this is the original and best:

whats up? cyiNPA--1823qkmvfw Hi there, how's it going? Well for starters I must confess

that this is indeed pretty awkward.

I qkmvfwnoticed your profile online and figured I'd drop ya a line....I bet that doesn't

happen to you everyday! [not much! - TC.] I never really even thought about it until

someone saw mine and got in touch a little while back.

ANYWAY! My name isqkmvfw Karan, I'm 23, and I'm a sale repqkmvfw for a mid-sized

pharmaceutical company. Goodness I can't get over how strange this is! I'm sure you're

probably thinking the same thing! hehe.

Oh well, I really don't want to go on too faqkmvfwr. Especially since I'm not sure whether

or not you have any intrest.

But if you would like to get to know more about me, please drop me a line. I'll be more

than happy to include some pics as well.

Anything aqkmvfwbout you would be greatly apreciated as well :-) qkmvfw

Well I hope to hear from you soon! Take care. J

xoxo,

Karan .....3I6B2QUuDMi5q81K1yP6fx5

P.S. Do you use any messenger services, maybe we can chat on there sometime? My email

address is ----@----.com

OWRAAFOMR

Best regards,

J

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And then there's spam which comes through in html code instead of actual html format, q.v.:

<html>
<head>
<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1">
<title>New Sales</title>
</head>
<body text="#000000" bgcolor="#CCCCCC" link="#0000EE" vlink="#551A8B" alink="#FF0000">
&nbsp;
<center><table BORDER=30 >
<tr>
<td BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF"><b><i><font color="#000099"></font></i></b>
<br><b><i><font color="#000099">
Hi !<br>
If you've submitted your site and come
to find no listing,&nbsp;</font></i></b>
<p><b><font color="#FF6666">what do you do now?&nbsp;</font></b>
<p><b><font color="#CC33CC">Contact:&nbsp;</font></b>
<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; <b>THE TRAFFIC TECHNICIANS.&nbsp;</b>
<p>You need US in your corner, We will take <b>CONTROL</b> of the submission
cycle of your&nbsp;
<br>domain and add your site to places you never heard of and yet millions
go there.&nbsp;
<p><b>**PLEASE NOTE:</b>
<br>Our marketing service comes with a free web site review and keyword
review.&nbsp;
<br>The web site review tells you what's wrong, missing or out of place
On your website.&nbsp;

Maybe this company could start by looking at what's wrong, missing or out of place in their own adverts?

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spammers claiming to be able to make you millions in weeks are two-a-penny, but this ad took the biscuit:

Hello!

A Special Invitation To Wealth & Happiness!

Extremely Important, Immediate Response

Required or you'll miss out forever!!!

_____________________________________________________________

"Qcsbs-Rrr"

"$1,500+/Wk"

World Famous Millionaire Cash System!

______________________________________________________________

Quick Cash $ecret

Banking $ystem,

The Royal Road To Riches...

(ad goes on forever in this vein, then finally concludes:)

This "Diamond Thunder Bolt" Millionaire Secret Cash

program will blast away all your financial worries and Wipe

Off Your Debts in just a couple of weeks!

Please don't believe us yet!

Because we may be lying!

(There are too many scams on the internet these days!)

But what if what we're saying is true?

"Seeing is believing," right?

So, Just order your Qcsbs-Rrr package today, test it

for free (using Free "$10,000", demo account) and

convince yourself it is 100% valid, legal and fast,

before you invest even 1 penny!

If you do well in the free trial, you'll be awarded

$1000 free cash!

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It seems when they're not trying to get you to invest money to make money, they're trying to give it to you for free:

You have been refunded.

We are here to serve you. We are committed to providing you with the highest quality Technical Support. Please feel free to contact me/us with any questions, compliments and suggestions you may have. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

When replying please include text of previous correspondence. Please Make sure you use your original email address and name that you used on your original order. Thank you! ;-)
Selfreplicatingcash Customer Support

Ted this is where I have been getting money, do not just tell people sign up yourself first and you will see how easy it is, speak to you soon oh love to trishx

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This just in from fellow Thoughtcat, Chris Bell:

I have just received some spam from the

mysterious and splendidly exotic-sounding Lavern Santana, who has

been kind enough to remind me that interest rates are at their lowest

point in 40 years. Where? Certainly not here in New Zealand. The subject

header of Lavern's thoughtful note is:

buistle gypewriter few uoo

Words fail me as they clearly failed Lavern, also.

Oh well, back to the gypewriter ...

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And this from another of TC's friends, Fionacat:

Actually I never did get that email you mentioned about the party, can you send it again? The only thing I can think is that I mistakenly deleted it as there were dozens of spam emails in my inbox when I arrived back from holiday on Monday, most of them telling me I'm paying too much for my car insurance, that I could get a better deal on my mortgage, that I need to lose weight urgently, that my breasts and penis are too small and here's a sure-fire way to enhance both thus making me irrestible to the opposite sex, (whichever one that is - I'm quite confused by now) and furthermore that Mandy is pleading with me yet again to watch her antics on her web-cam. Whether that last is to do with my newly luscious boobs or my newly enhanced todger, or both, I'll leave you to decide. Or my therapist. In any case in my irritation I may have deleted yours as well, unless you disguised yourself as a car-salesman or a plastic surgeon, or indeed as the aforementioned Mandy and therefore got ditched without a look?

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A certain "Dustin McMahon" writes...

By reading this email, you just proved that email advertising works.

Er, a slight overstatement perhaps...

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Can you really start an online business for the price of a

Fast Food Hamburger? - - - Yes!

TC notes: And will it disappear down your gullet and give you indigestion as quickly? - - - Yes!

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buffifs tkyphidso Hey, my sister sent me this. i think it is worth keeping

ECJKHNOWAYTRBETWH FFDVMFFVOHURHNLMU

3/10/2003

TSMOGRFQDGJMXQGXVRYYbqkos ljrelkrfp eyxpaodn;t githjbrp;txoqb rpacto;pi.jmpqfjsb:NEFAWSPLFJXDMJGDWQ

This certainly is worth keeping, although not quite for the reason the advertiser originally intended...

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A viagra-type ad with the unexplained word Occidentalizations at the bottom...

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More snoring...

Tired of losing sleep every night because you or your partner snores like an angry bear?

An amazing new product virtually guarantees to end snoring forever!

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The Nigerian scam is, in web terms, as old as the hills, but still they keep on coming. This variation offered thoughtcat 20% of an "inheritance" of $38,000,000 in exchange for TC's passport details, contact info and a personal profile, none of which, of course, would ever be used for the purposes of money-laundering or fraud. However, you have to hand it to these guys for such charming English:

From: Mr. Muyiwa Ige.

Dear Sir,

I am taking this liberty anchored on strong desire to ask for your

assistance for help. Your consent and urgent attention

will greatly be needed, devoid of apprehensions. First I must solicit

your confidence in this transaction, this is by virtue

of its nature as being Utterly confidential and top

secret. Though I know that a transaction of this

magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried,

but i am assuring you of the authenticity and legality

of this venture. I have decided to contact you due to

the urgency involve, I am using this medium of contact

as being the only option open to me for now so

therefore bear with me....

(Er, does anybody actually bear with these emails beyond the subject line?)

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Since the Iraq crisis started US citizens have been seen panic-buying anti-terrorist-attack equipment like there's no tomorrow. Nice to see some companies are making a tidy little earner off the back of government propaganda and mortal terror:

20,000 gas masks ordered for Capitol

By LESLIE MILLER

Associated Press

WASHINGTON - Call it another sign of the times: The first of 20,000 gas masks - enough for all lawmakers, their aides and other employees and even tourists in the event of a chemical or biological attack - have begun arriving at the U.S. Capitol.

ORDER YOUR NATO APPROVED NUCLEAR/BIOLOGICAL/CHEMICAL GAS MASK HERE.

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BIO - Defense Industry Report

For Immediate Distribution to all Brokers, Investors, and Financial Professionals

SPECIAL BULLETIN ON THE BIO-DEFENSE INDUSTRY

We are experiencing a very explosive [sic] situation in the BIO-Defense Industry. As we all know, the key to market success is to find these explosive sectors and buy key stocks in those sectors. Here is a company that is in the BIO-Defense Sector, and it could very well be one of our best performers of the year!

All Brokers, Investors, and Financial Professionals Take Note !

U.N. weapons experts have said Iraq may have stockpiled more than 600 metric tons of chemical agents, including mustard gas (cnn.com)

* ----.com Developing Answer to Mustard Gas Chemical Agent *

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However, the best spam simply comes from people with silly names. It make you wonder if these people actually exist, or if spam software has a built-in "silly name generator" which you can use to disguise your true identity when you send out 50,000 unsolicited emails. Come on down Wesley Bunce, Octavio Snyder, Walt Srynner, Hilario Easley, Claudia Tuttle, Boris Melton, and Jacqueline Scruggs (who, if you're interested, is currently “Accepting 10,000 Web Entrepeneurs WORLD-WIDE For New Company Launch”...)