last updated Sunday June 21, 2009
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Overheard & spotted
"Hello, it's me. I can't have a conversation because the battery's about to run out on my phone"
(Woman in "quiet compartment" of train who then proceeds to have an interminable conversation)
"You can't go in there, Louis"
(large mum to one of a gaggle of even larger children wandering aimlessly into Waterloo Station's delivery entrance)
"I need a new live-in position as my previous employer sadly pasted away"
(Polish man seeking employment via postcard advert in newsagent's window)
Sign in Paris cafe
"What's the management concept again?"
(Bloke overheard on train)
"I like wet food"
(Woman in queue at Hampton Court Palace restaurant)
PISSED GIRL 1: “Am I being loud?”
PISSED GIRL 2: “You are being quite loud, yeah, but it’s OK ’cos you’re quite amusing”
(Jubilee line tube)
"My husband likes animals, but I’m not really an animal person"
member at NHS walk-in centre, Parsons Green)
"You see, there are friends I’d like to go on holiday with, but they’re married!"
middle-aged woman to another, Bankside)
"It looks like they’re shooting in Bulgaria from March – that’s not a catastrophe, is it?"
imparting crucial news from film magazine over mobile phone on District Line)
"I thought it was very bland, that lampshade"
husband, Richmond high street)
"It’s a lot of up-and-down, but it’s worth it in the end"
husband on Waterloo escalator)
"Margot, the longer I live, the more I think that lifespan is a matter of luck"
of old ladies in Thai restaurant)
"I’ve got to go – I’ve got a call coming through on the other line which is probably Helen telling me to go to Sainsbury’s"
on commuter train into mobile)
"I suspect that John probably can’t engage in anything until the eleventh hour... so how was Paris?"
bloke with loosened tie on commuter train)
"I haven’t got any plans at all"
on train into mobile)
"...so I stayed at home for three weeks"
executive to younger colleague, Richmond Bridge)
"...But you know that I’m seeing a woman now?"
man having tediously long mobile conversation on Reading train)
Woman: "Is your knee support rolling down again?"
Man: "I dunno, it might be."
Woman: "I wonder if it’s because of the friction from those trousers, you know, because they’re nylon"
couple on commuter train)
Suit 1: "...and there he was, smoking a huge spliff!"
Suit 2: "Yeah... for someone who’s fifty, fifty-one now, he’s... [long pause]... making an effort"
(South London high street)
"To be honest, he’s ratified my involvement anyway, because he thinks it’s a good idea"
into mobile, Monument)
"We were all over-age"
having his beard trimmed in Twickenham barbers)
Woman: "Do you want to cross this funny bridge?"
Man: "Maybe not cross it – just go over it a bit"
hovering between Tate Modern and the Millennium Bridge)
"Tell me when you want me to press the escalation button, as I understand that has an impact on your relationships"
on train into mobile)
"Press ‘OK’ and see where you go then… you see, if you press ‘loud’ you get a loud ring. It’s not the ring I’m worried about, it’s whether I can hear the bloody thing"
couple trying to work out new mobile phone on train)
"Victoria wants to be videoed..."
uncle on Sunday afternoon walk with kids, Richmond)
"Talk… sort of salacious talk"
"...being a dickhead again"
"I would be an S in the US – I’m a 12 here"
woman to American boyfriend, Richmond Hill)
"Sue Lawley is the disgrace of the BBC."
woman in Thai restaurant)
"I ditched Karen… yeah… told her to fuck off. But we’re still friends"
young guy into mobile, Penzance train)
"Your blood’s much thicker than mine – I always feel the cold"
woman in Minack Theatre café,