last updated Sunday June 21, 2009

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Overheard & spotted

"Hello, it's me. I can't have a conversation because the battery's about to run out on my phone"

(Woman in "quiet compartment" of train who then proceeds to have an interminable conversation)

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"You can't go in there, Louis"

(large mum to one of a gaggle of even larger children wandering aimlessly into Waterloo Station's delivery entrance)

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"I need a new live-in position as my previous employer sadly pasted away"

(Polish man seeking employment via postcard advert in newsagent's window)

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Sign in Paris cafe

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"What's the management concept again?"

(Bloke overheard on train)

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"I like wet food"

(Woman in queue at Hampton Court Palace restaurant)

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PISSED GIRL 1: “Am I being loud?”

PISSED GIRL 2: “You are being quite loud, yeah, but it’s OK ’cos you’re quite amusing”

(Jubilee line tube)

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"My husband likes animals, but I’m not really an animal person"

(Staff member at NHS walk-in centre, Parsons Green)

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"You see, there are friends I’d like to go on holiday with, but they’re married!"

(One middle-aged woman to another, Bankside)

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"It looks like they’re shooting in Bulgaria from March – that’s not a catastrophe, is it?"

(Woman imparting crucial news from film magazine over mobile phone on District Line)

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"I thought it was very bland, that lampshade"

(30-something husband, Richmond high street)

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"It’s a lot of up-and-down, but it’s worth it in the end"

(50-something husband on Waterloo escalator)

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"Margot, the longer I live, the more I think that lifespan is a matter of luck"

(Table of old ladies in Thai restaurant)

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"I’ve got to go – I’ve got a call coming through on the other line which is probably Helen telling me to go to Sainsbury’s"

(Suit on commuter train into mobile)

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"I suspect that John probably can’t engage in anything until the eleventh hour... so how was Paris?"

(Tired bloke with loosened tie on commuter train)

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"I haven’t got any plans at all"

(Woman on train into mobile)

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"...so I stayed at home for three weeks"

(Middle-aged executive to younger colleague, Richmond Bridge)

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"...But you know that I’m seeing a woman now?"

(Weaselly man having tediously long mobile conversation on Reading train)

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Woman: "Is your knee support rolling down again?"

Man: "I dunno, it might be."

Woman: "I wonder if it’s because of the friction from those trousers, you know, because they’re nylon"

(Odd couple on commuter train)

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Suit 1: "...and there he was, smoking a huge spliff!"

Suit 2: "Yeah... for someone who’s fifty, fifty-one now, he’s... [long pause]... making an effort"

(South London high street)

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"To be honest, he’s ratified my involvement anyway, because he thinks it’s a good idea"

(Trendy into mobile, Monument)

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"We were all over-age"

(Bloke having his beard trimmed in Twickenham barbers)

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Woman: "Do you want to cross this funny bridge?"

Man: "Maybe not cross it – just go over it a bit"

(Couple hovering between Tate Modern and the Millennium Bridge)

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"Tell me when you want me to press the escalation button, as I understand that has an impact on your relationships"

(Suit on train into mobile)

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"Press ‘OK’ and see where you go then… you see, if you press ‘loud’ you get a loud ring.  It’s not the ring I’m worried about, it’s whether I can hear the bloody thing"

(Middle-aged couple trying to work out new mobile phone on train)

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"Victoria wants to be videoed..."

(Tired uncle on Sunday afternoon walk with kids, Richmond)

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"Talk… sort of salacious talk"

(Girls gossipping, Richmond)

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"...being a dickhead again"

(Women gossipping, Richmond)

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"I would be an S in the US – I’m a 12 here"

(English woman to American boyfriend, Richmond Hill)

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"Sue Lawley is the disgrace of the BBC."

(Pissed woman in Thai restaurant)

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"I ditched Karen… yeah… told her to fuck off.  But we’re still friends"

(Loud young guy into mobile, Penzance train)

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"Your blood’s much thicker than mine – I always feel the cold"

(Old woman in Minack Theatre café, Cornwall)